Why am I so self destructive?

So, im happy, always have been, but theres always something in there bothering me a little bit. I am a paradox, thats the best way to describe me, i meditate, am a vegetarian, try to be as healthy as I am, but i smoke and party like a maniac. The real question is, why do i need to be so self destructive? A couple of years ago, i was anorexic and bulimic, i aslo did some cutting. It took a lot of years of talking my self out of it, and eventually i did it, i mean its not something that will ever go away, its just something i have finally managed to have under control. Ive always, however had a intense strange crazy desire for every drug i can get my hands on. I dont do drugs, well unless you count weed as one, and i really didnt get the chance to try them but now, in this past year, the chances increase every day, and Im not saying no to anyhitng, I mean, i knew that it would eventually come, this curiosity towards everything was growing inside of me every day stronger. i dont want anyone to tell me how bad drugs are cuz im not gunna get stuck to them, my life is too precious to waste it, i just want to try and expirience everything i can, in the good and in the bad, but a side from drugs, there are many things i have done and still do to destroy myself in a way, so i would really appreciate it if anyone told me why im so self destructive?